Sample Student Essay with Comments


The following essays  were written by CUNY students who participated in an earlier pilot study. These essays are printed with permission. Please note that you do not have a copy of the long essay that was distributed to the students who took this form of the test. The purpose of these materials is to give you a sampling of the essays written by students that demonstrate varying levels of writing proficiency.
 

Essay 1

Using computers as comparisons to the human mind, Lewis Thomas' "To Err is Human" stresses the importance of mistakes as a tool for action. He states that to err is what separates the human mind and superhuman, electronic minds. While computers have the capacity to produce an infinite amount of precise calculations, glitches and errors will still be made, and the corrections made by humans. He mentions that the knack of being wrong is "a uniquely human gift" and that it should be used as "a guide for action." Thomas stresses the significance of error as a motivation to illicit the appropriate response -correction in order to
know.

Such is the idea that ties in with Howard Gardener's "The Difficulties Posed by Schools." Gardener makes the point that school fail to stress the importance of understanding over the ability to "memorize and feed back definitions upon request." He adds that teachers do not challenge their students by asking questions "that will force their students to stretch in new ways which will risk failures."

Gardener maintains that genuine understanding is a low priority in scholastic education,  and becomes lost when teachers and students revel only in the regurgitation of memorized facts and concepts. This poses somewhat of a competition between those "text-friendly" students who have that ability, with students whose intellectual strengths lie in other areas.

In connection to Thomas' notion of "error as important," Gardener upholds the same idea by stating that students and teachers together must be willing to "undertake risks for understanding" if success is to follow. This cannot be achieved if the only response desired are "ritualized, note, or conventionalized performances."

What a coincidence to be writing about the faults of scholastic learning when, just the other day, I had discussed the same issue with my parents. I had come to the conclusion that, although blessed with high grades throughout my educational years, I did not come to an understanding of the material learned until college. Not until then, when teachers were open to opinions and challenges, did I start my in-depth cognitive learning. I definitely agree with Lewis Thomas and Howard Gardener when they stress the importance of failure. Making mistakes is what sets success. One cannot excel if one does not know where problems lie and how to correct them.

Comments on Essay 1

A good understanding of the reading selections and a unified, tightly-organized structure make this a strong essay. In addition, the student enhances the discussion by quoting appropriately. Other distinguishing features of this essay are its generally clear, fluid prose and its use of fairly sophisticated sentence structure to express complex ideas. While the concluding paragraph presents the student's own experience somewhat glibly, all in all, the essay is an effective response to a challenging exam-writing task. (Rating: 5/6)


Essay 2

Learning is an on-going process that never ends. To acquire information is to not just by listening to lectures and answering test questions correctly. It is how one uses their tools wisely in order for successful learning to take place. Without possessing methods of effective learning, one might not be considered to actually understand something.

In "To Err is Human" by Lewis Thomas, he stresses the word "error." Why does he emphasize this word? Lewis makes a point that all living organisms including computers are bound to make errors. "We are built to make mistakes coded for error", says Lewis. Without  making mistakes, new discoveries and new understandings will not occur. Mistakes cannot be avoided, we all make them and it helps us find out what is needed to rectify the problem so the mistake will not occur again. Errors also help us learn the kinds of mistakes we tend to make to pinpoint a individual's "weakness."

Therefore, errors are actually positive by helping us find solutions and advancing to a higher order of knowledge and learning. It is a tool that is subtle to people but without errors, there will be no advancements. "If it is a big enough mistake, we could find ourselves on a  new level, stunned, out in the clear, ready to move again"(4).

In "The difficulties Posed By School" by Howard Gardner, Gardner points out the fallibilites of the school system. "The curriculum of school ought to go beyond a rehearsal of facts,  however, and introduce students to the ways of thinking used in different disciplines"(9). Simply recalling facts via rote memorization, does little to true understanding of the material
they have learn.

Another interesting fact Gardner points out is the student's lack of ability to distinguish intuitive learning and scholastic learning. Gardner admits that this hard to accomplish. Another stumbling block Gardner points out is students must be aware that they learn outside of school may not coincide with the learning in a educational institution.

 So what changes can take place in the academia world of learning? One problemaddressed by Gardner is the mutual agreement between the student and teacher of "correct answer compromises"(10). The problem with this tool of understanding is once the student has answered a question correctly, no further assessments are made to ensure full understanding. This is one of the problems of conventional learning in schools.

As I have come to express it, neither teachers nor students are willing to undertake "risks for understanding."(10). This is the most important Gardner makes about the schools failure in helping students toward understanding. Teachers and students are not willing to take the initiative of true learning. Gardner criticizes the use of conventional assessment to check the student's understanding of materials. Gardner makes the point that traditional "instruments" used to check understanding will not be beneficial in the long run. "...for genuine understanding cannot come about so long as one accepts ritualized, rote, or onventionalized performances" (10).

In both readings, Gardner and Thomas attempts to address the problems of learning and acquiring information. Gardner identifies the ideal way of real understanding and how school does not fulfill that goal. Lewis points out that error is rather not a infallibility in humans but a strength that we possess to new discovery and understand our process of learning. Although
both authors has a different approach in discussing the different areas of learning, they both offers solutions to help us learn more effectively and efficiently.

As I read both readings, I am able to relate the discussion of problems and solutions to my personal experience. Being a student in school and out of school, I am able to understand how I learn effectively. One major problem I had a difficulty in school was finding a consistent method of studying. I learned by as Gardner states, "trial and error." If a certain method didn't
 work for me, I would try a different tool or approach to learning and understanding material. My attempt was to go beyond note memorization and to actually understand. "When you understand something, it is easier for you to absorb the material than painstakingly, memorize material you can't even interpret.

The way I was assessed in school was not what I called the ideal way of learning. For example, after taking a test I would forget the information because I had to worry about new information for the next test. I thought to myself, why remember old information that wasn't going to be on the next test?

Mistakes made on exams were to be accepted. The teacher just labeled the question as incorrect without offering an explanation. Without the teacher helping me understand my error, I couldn't reach the next advancement of understanding the question by understanding my error. This can contributed to the fact that each teacher is forced to follow a curriculum
implemented by the school system. Teachers just didn't have the time to go over student's errors because he or she had to get everything covered on the curriculum "...bureaucratized institutions have difficulty in dealing with ends that cannot be readily quantified"(10).

 More problems are faced with the task of learning. One, humans have to use our weaknesses into advantage. For example, understanding errors made by an individual. Two, the individual's success towards understanding because of the way the school adoption of an assembly line of learning. The assembly line of learning being schools spoon feeding students knowledge with minimal understanding.We as learners must adopt effective tools towards genuine understanding. Without these tools, a person cannot claim themselves as true learners. True learning is accomplished by making that knowledge part of yourself lasting a lifetime.

Comments on Essay 2

This essay shows a good understanding of the reading selections. That sense is bolstered by specific quotations and appropriate references, as well as by accurate summarizing. The writer has produced a unified and fully developed essay that permits some depth of analysis and comparison. The essay is rated 4 and not 5, however, in part because the style is loose, and there are too many lapses in use of conventions, even for exam writing. Nevertheless, the student has written an essay that fulfills the assignment adequately. (Rating: 4)


Essay 3 

Lewis Thomas and Howard Gardner really tempt the human mind with a different viewpoint of learning on all levels.

Lewis Thomas actually "flips" our common thinking and informs us that error or being  wrong is what opens the door to new finding in all aspects of life.

Furthemlore, Thomas enlightens us on the fact that human DNA is indeed "coded for error". If one gives this concept good thought one can reveal that if we made no errors, there would be no need for experimenting or checking, or even further research.

In the next passage reading Howard Gardner expands on "understanding" and which the majority of students fail to acheive it.

He gives us an example on how students past test and yet still fail to truely understand concepts. For, example, if elaborate on a problem in a certain manner, or answer questions on a multiple choice test in a certain way, the instructor can easily credit you with understanding  the material, meanwhile you don't.

Also major points are made on why most students don't acheive mastery or even close to mastery in schools.

Long time problems of over populated classrooms, harsh rules and regulations, and students' personal problems will always be around.

However there is another problem which portrays similarity with Lewis Thomas' piece concerning the advantages of being wrong. Teacher(s) usually don't give students challenging problems that would force students to stretch their brains in new ways. eachers would rather post simple questions to avoid the risk of failure by the student and embarrassment to both.

I believe Howard Gardner is trying to say neither students nor teachers are at all anxious to take risks for the sake of understanding, in case of error. Error which is basically what steers new evolvement and achievements in technology, and is in fact the force behind the wheel that needs to keep rolling in our everyday lives.

Personally, I agree with both authors, and can relate in my own experience to the idea that understanding is not only passing a test. For example, I took a Calculus course in senior year high school. I got to college and had to take it over because I didn't understand it even after I past the course. I believe this makes us as humans and error-makers, not to take short cuts and to fully understand everything we are involved in.

Comments on Essay 3

The writer of Essay 3 is able in places to paraphrase accurately and makes a plausible connection between the two readings. This essay is not a 3 because inadequate paragraphing and lack of development make the essay seem disconnected and vague (" Also major points are made on which most students don't achieve mastery of even close to mastery in schools.") The connection to the student's experience is superficial. While the essay communicates clearly at times, sections are unclear and lapses in use of conventions impede comprehension. (Rating: 2/3)


Essay 4 

In today's society students of today has different ways of dealing with learning and education. Therefore, I believe that teacher should ask the question what it is really students needs to know about themselves and the ways students look at the learning process. The point to this problem, that people are trying to find out for several years, but everyone see it differently, say that the understanding of learning starts at home, school or even upon one's own, but no knows where it really starts.

If people look at the first stage of learning they may say it begin at home. I say it is the surroundings where that person is being raise in, which is entirely different from a school surroundings.

Another, aspect of learning has to do with one's own common-sense. Students can not think without that active force which is common-sense, without this force their will be no need for life. More so, the whole point to learning is that it represent by an extension to the brain.

As I look at the difficulties of learning the are not many. It has to do with ones own self, because neither teachers or students have been able to over take the understanding of learning except to come up with a right or wrong answer to their problem, because it was to be true in society .If people look into some of the things are being asked by teachers, the would see that their learning process is being taken away from them. While teachers are hoping that later the can develop sense of learning.

 I really could not think.

Comments on Essay 4

Essay 4 attempts a discussion of learning. It is rated 1 because the readings are never mentioned, nor is the writing assignment addressed. It is difficult to understand what the student is trying to say because the writing is not clear, and there are many serious lapses in the use of the conventions of written English. (Rating: 1)