A-Train
(A scene)
Characters:
1st
Commuter (“One”)
2nd
Commuter (“Two”)
3rd
Commuter (“Three”)
Voice
of Conductor
Scene: On a crowded A-train. 1st Commuter stands inside train doors,
listening to music through a Walkman.
3rd Commuter stands further inside train car. The train platforms, and 2nd Commuter attempts to enter the train.
Two: Excuse me.
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors.
Two: Excuse me.
Coming in here. (Holds doors
open.)
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Two: Can I get on here, please!
Conductor: (Loud.) Release the doors in the
rear of the train! This train will go
out of service if you do not release the doors!
Two: (Pushing on.) You can’t just stand
there and block the entrance when people are trying to get on!
(One ignores
Two.)
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors.
Two: (Struggling to pull his briefcase in through
the closing doors.)
Conductor: RELEASE THE DOOR IN THE REAR!
Two: (Pulls his
briefcase free.) Damn it! (Looks at One.)
You couldn’t move in a little so I could get on without breaking my neck?!
(One ignores
Two.)
Two: You’re not the only one on the train! (Makes eye-contact with Three.) Do you see this? (Gestures toward One.) Do you believe this guy? Blocks the doors and couldn’t care
less! I could’ve broken my neck!
(Three ignores
Two.)
Two: (Addresses One.) People could get hurt trying to get on the train with you
blocking the door. I could’ve broken my
neck!
One: Wasn’t your neck in the door, was it?
Two: What?
(One ignores
Two.)
Two: What did
you say?
(One shakes his
head in disgust and ignores Two.)
Two: (Waves hand in front of One’s face.) I’m talking to you!
One: (Removes headphones abruptly.) Hey!
Get your hands outa my face—
Two: I asked you a question.
One: So what!
Two: What—?
What do you mean, so what? I
asked you—
One: So you asked me a question! That’s your problem!
Two: What did you say about my neck?
One: You got your suitcase all snagged in the
door, not your skinny neck.
Two: The point I was making—
One: Know what I’m saying? It wasn’t your neck. OK?
(Puts headphones back on.)
Two: (Gestures as though to grab One’s headphones
but stops himself.) I was saying that
you made it dangerous for me to get on the train! I could’ve gotten hurt!
(Looks for Three again.)
(To Three) I could’ve gotten caught in the doors! Did you see that?
Three: (Trying
to stay out of it.) I saw.
Two: (To One.)
You see? Everybody could see you
were blocking the door and there was plenty of room in here!
(One ignores
Two.)
Two: Who do you think you are? (Waits.)
Who the hell do you think you are?!
One: (Removes headphones again.) What?
Two: I said, “who the hell do you think you are?”
One: ‘t the hell’re you talking about? Shut up already!
Two: What?!
One: Just shut up, man. You made your point , now shut--the fuck--up.
Two: I should shut the fuck up?!
One: Yeah. You should shut the fuck up.
Two: You block the door and I risk my life and
you think I should shut the fuck up.
One: You got it, Ace.
Two: (To Three.)
You believe this guy??
(Three very
obviously ignores both of them.)
Two: (Louder.)
You believe this....asshole?!
One: What’d you say?
Two: Oh, you’re listening now?
One: You call me an asshole?
Two: (Hesitating.) You were being—
One: Hey, man, I didn’t call you out of your
name. Now why’d you have to go and
call me an asshole, man?
Two: I was trying to—
One: You’re a pain in my ass, you know that? I can’t hear my music ‘cause you keep crying
about your skinny-ass neck, and now you’re calling me bad things....
Two: You’re the one who was—
One: ....and you’re still raggin’ me!
Two: (To Three.)
This is unbelievable!
(Three ignores
all.)
Conductor: Excuse me ladies and gentleman. This train is being held momentarily due to
congestion up ahead. We hope to be
moving shortly. Thank you for your patience.
One: You know what?
(Two tries to
ignore One.)
One: Hey!
I’m talking to you!
Two: How do you like being ignored?!
One: You get out at the next stop.
Two: What?
One: You heard me. Get your stupid ass out the next stop. I’m sick of your face.
Two: I will not!—
One: (Leans in closer.) You will get outa this train at
the next stop or I’m gonna break that stupid neck of yours and bust the
rest of you up.
Two: I am not getting out of this train!
One: You are getting outa this train ‘cause I’m
gonna push you out.
Two: (Edging
away.) You’d better not try that.
One: Why not?
You’re gonna stop me? You think
you can stop me from pushing you outa this train? (Gives Two a little shove.)
Two: (To Three, getting a little desperate.) Do you see this?
One: I’m gonna push you out and then I’m gonna
come out after you and kick the shit
outa you!
Two: (Looks to Three, looks at One, looks around
for non-existent help.) Fuck you!
One: (Taken aback momentarily.) Oh, man, you are really looking to get—
Two: Fuck you!
One: (Immediately rising to anger.) Fuck you!
Two: Fuck you!
One: Fuck you, you stupid fuck! I’m gonna fucking kill you, you stupid
fuck! I’m gonna kick your ass off this
train and come after you and I’m gonna fucking kill you (starts shoving
Two.) You hear me? You hear me?
Three: Hey, come on now!
(One ignores
Three, Two looks quickly over to Three.)
Two: (To Three.)
Hey get this guy off me!
Three: (Not moving, but continuing to address One
and Two.) Just cool it, you two. There’s a lot of people on this train. Take it easy. We all just want to get to work.
One: (Turning on Three.) Hey fuck you! This has nothing to do with you!
Three: Come on now. The guy’s not doing anything to you. Just drop it, OK?
One: I’m not dropping shit. This guy’s an asshole and so are you.
Conductor: Ladies and Gentleman. Due to police activity 96 blocks away, this
train is being held between stations.
We thank you for your patience and hope to be moving shortly.
Three: Look.
We may be here for a while. Just let it—
One: I don’t care if we’re here all night! (To Two.) You are dead. Soon as these doors open up, you are a dead
man. And if this train don’t start to
move soon, I’m gonna kill you right here! (Puts his hand to his pocket.)
Two: (Believing he is about to be hurt). Help!
One: Shut up!
Two: Help!
Three: Take it easy!
One: (To Three.)
Fuck you! You’re gonna be
next! I’m gonna kill you next!
Conductor: Ladies and Gentleman. Due to a sick
passenger and police activity up ahead, this train is being held here
indefinitely. We thank you for your
cooperation and apologize for any inconvenience you may be experiencing.
(Two has moved
in near Three. Three is uncomfortable
and tries to move away a little. )
One: I should make you get outa the train right
here.
(Two ignores
One.)
One: I should open up these doors and kick you
out right now and let you fry on the rail.
(Two ignores
One.)
One: Hey man, you hear me? I’m gonna get you!
Two: Shut up already! Shut the fuck up!
Three: Take it easy!—
Two: Maybe I’m gonna get you! You know?
Maybe I’m gonna—
One: You’re gonna get me? You’re gonna get
me? (Takes out a knife.)
(Two and Three
move away as best they can.)
One: You think I
was kidding? You think I won’t cut you
up. You fucking asshole! You think I’m just talking?
Three: We know you mean it. OK?
We don’t want to get hurt, OK.
Two: Help!
One: Shut the fuck up!
Three: OK, OK, we’ll shut up.
One: Shut---the---fuck---up! You hear me? You don’t shut up, I’m gonna cut
you up! All of you! Shut up!
And get this fucking train moving!
‘M sick of this shit. I gotta be
cooped up with you chicken-shit assholes.
Get this thing moving!
Conductor: Ladies and Gentleman, as soon as the
congestion up ahead clears, we will be moving.
Please be patient.
One: Fuck that!
Fuck that! (Waves the knife
around.)
Three: Please.
Be careful. No one wants to get
hurt. Please.
Two: Please.
One: “Please.”
“Please.” Fuck you. I’m gonna kill both of you. You’re both dead.
Three: (Angering.)
We’re all going to be dead!
One: What?
Three: We’re all going to die. Today, tomorrow, whenever. You, too.
You’re going to die, too.
One: What the fuck—
Three: You think killing him or me is going to save
you? You’re going to die one day—maybe
even today.
One: Oh yeah?
Who’s gonna kill me? You? Him?
You’ll both be dead already!
Three: You think the only way people die is when
somebody kills them? Sometimes people
die from accidents. Some people die from sadness. People can die from loneliness or anger. Sometimes people die from nothing at all.
(Two and One
look at Three.)
Three: You think you can go around threatening
people, but we already know we’re going to die. Today or next year—it’s the same thing. You want to kill us? And
then what? What if you die later
today? Your last big act on earth was
to kill a couple of A-Train commuters who pissed you off—a guy who just wanted
to get on the train, and another guy who just wanted to get to work without
having to talk to anyone. And then
you’ll be dead, too—a guy who wouldn’t get out of the way to let a fellow
commuter on the train, a guy who threatened unarmed people with a knife, a guy
who killed for no reason, a guy who will be forgotten just like the rest of us.
(Pause.)
One: ‘T the fuck’re you talking about?
Two: He’s saying—
One: Shut up!
(To Three.) What’re you talking
about?
Three: I’m saying that I don’t believe you really
want to kill us or hurt us. We’re all
angry that the train is stuck. We’re
all uncomfortable. But just because
you’re the one with the knife, you get to scare us, you get to threaten
us. If I had the knife, do you think
I’d be threatening you? Do you think I
would threaten to kill you? Do you
think this man would threaten to kill you?
He was angry at you, but he wouldn’t threaten to kill you! I’m angry at you right now (voice
rising)—I’m really angry at you right now.
I don’t like to be threatened, and I don’t like waiting in a crowded,
hot, angry A-Train where people smell and the conductor talks to us like we’re
idiots. I’m plenty angry about all
that, and now you’re standing there waving a knife around and telling me that
on top of this lousy, stinking, depressing, life-sucking commute to my lousy,
stinking, underpaid job, I have to worry about a guy like you threatening to
kill me?
(Pause.)
Three: (Turns on
Two.) And you. What is your problem? You obviously ride this train
regularly. You know there are people on
this train that don’t care whether you get on or not. You know there are people who block the doors and who have their
headphones glued to their heads. You
know there are people on the train with bad attitudes and weapons in their
pockets, and you know these people are just waiting for a little excuse to take
their weapons out of their pockets and wave them around and threaten to kill
you, and maybe even really kill you.
But you have to make a big production about some guy who made it tough
for you to get on the train. You had to
argue with him. You had to insist that
he listen to you. You’re the most
important person in the universe and the rest of us have to listen to you go on
and on about your briefcase in the door and your almost-broken neck. You could have gotten on the next train. You could have pushed your way on like the
rest of us. You could have gone to
another door. And you could’ve shut up
after you got on!
Conductor: Ladies and Gentleman, we have a red signal
ahead. We hope to be moving
shortly. Thank you for your patience.
Three: You see?
He just thanked us for our patience.
He thinks we have patience. He
doesn’t know we don’t have patience. We
haven’t had patience for the past fifteen minutes. There isn’t a patient person on this train. But you (indicates One) think your
impatience is worse than mine or his. And you (indicates Two), you don’t care that pissing this guy off
may put the rest of us at risk! Both of
you, just get over it already! One day
we’ll all be dead and none of this will matter. Do you understand? This
is nothing! Nothing. You’re both just trying to—
Two: Alright already! We heard you!
One: Yeah!
Shut the fuck up already!
Conductor: Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for your
patience. 42nd Street station is
next. Change at 42nd for the 1, 2, 3,
9, C, E, and number 7 trains. 42nd
Street is next. Please be sure to take
all newspapers, umbrellas, knives, bad attitudes and nasty-ass arguments with
you when you get the hell off this train.
***
Michael
Blitz
ã 1996